Complete and utter frustration

I have hit some kind of wall, beyond which lies my goal.  I can't seem to go over or around it, no matter how kindly or urgently I ask my body to do so.  I am quite frustrated - sad, even - and it doesn't even make sense.  I'm not sure what to do.  I've invested a lot of time, energy, and pride into this, and I do not want to quit.  I will not quit.  I just don't know how to get over this wall.

Week Five on a technicality

My mom let me know that my blog was getting rusty from being left out in the rain, and she was right.  It's been an incredibly busy two weeks, and while I've been huffing and puffing as usual, my fingers have not been up to the typing task.  It's Saturday, though, and I've got a whole day ahead of me!

Last week I did something I was not planning on doing - I took a week off.  I started week 5 off with a bang.  I had an excellent day 1 and was getting nervous about day 2's multiple 8 minute runs when I got completely thrown off.  I was in my usual half-awake-half-asleep state, acting out my dream, in which I was required to reset my alarm.  This, in turn, caused me to miss my morning run, so I decided to go after work.  As the day went on, though, my body took over and decided that running was not going to happen.  I won't go into detail, but once a month, for a day or so, I am barely able to walk around without doubling over in pain, let alone go for a jog. I felt miserable, so I decided to skip the Dowd and head home for some meds, thinking I would just go in the morning before heading out of town to see a friend in Atlanta.  I thought I could run on Friday and then on Sunday to finish out the week, but as you can guess, this definitely didn't happen.  On Friday morning I realized I had to get my rear in gear if I was going to beat the ice/snow on I-85, so I just threw my stuff together and ran out the door.

All that's to say that even though it's week six since I began my Couch to 5k program, I am just about to finish week five of the actual work.  When I got back in town to a very icy Charlotte, I just restarted my week with Day 1, and it was actually a really good thing.  Taking the week off gave me new energy and excitement for the upcoming difficult runs!!

Day 1 was 5 minute runs with 3 minute recovery periods, and I did it like a champ.  Mind you, I'm STILL on the treadmill (thanks, El Nino!), which I don't think is as hard as running on the real ground, but I still rocked those 5 minute runs like it was nothing.  Well, nothing if nothing means a sweat output similar to that of Niagara Falls and a heart rate akin to a hummingbird...

Day 2 broke new ground, with 2 8 minute runs with a 5 minute recovery in between.  This is getting to the serious stuff - almost like real running!  I had to go in the big, jam-packed cardio theater with approximately 5,000 treadmills, ellipticals, and stair-steppers all shoved into a room that smells like gym class.  Once I discovered the extra fancy treadmills in a different room that face a wall (and, as we learned earlier, lead to unintended bum-watching), I never wanted to go back to StinkTownUSA, or as it's known in other circles, ShowOffLand.  It's hard to think that with that many people working out in one little space, there aren't people who are showing off their stuff, right?  I didn't want to do my walking-and-running combos in there, because if you didn't know I was doing a specific program, you'd just think I was playing with the treadmill.  Speed up, slow down.  Listen to ipod but watch Saved by the Bell.  I know this is my own personal problem (Pride!!  cometh before a fall!!), but in general, this room is to be avoided.

For the first time, though, with my longer runs, I felt like I was not just the girl who walks for 30 minutes or the girl who gets completely winded after running for 90 seconds.  I felt like a real runner!  Instead of looking longingly at the former Duke women's basketball player (also known as boob girl, if you've heard me tell stories about her in the locker room - but that's a different story for a different day) who runs at 9 miles an hour and barely breaks a sweat, I was just jogging along like la-ti-da, hello, just running here, yup, I'm a runner, see?  I'm running!

So if you can't tell, week 5 part deux is going GREAT!  I say that now, though, but my biggest challenge yet comes tomorrow...20 minutes of running.  Now, I feel a little ridiculous even saying that, because running for 20 minutes just doesn't sound like that big of a deal.  Lots and lots and lots of people run for 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour ALL THE TIME.  Heck, I know people who would consider that their warm-up.  For me, though, this is SO GREAT!!  2 months ago, I said, "I can't run because of my back."  8 weeks ago I said, "I wish I could run...hmm, maybe I can."  6 weeks ago I said, "I am going to run a 5k race."  Tomorrow I will run 2 miles! in just over 3 weeks I will run 3.1 miles!  On March 13th, I will run a 5k race in Columbia!  YESSSS!!!!  I just had to believe in myself, just like the end of all movies (thanks Liz Lemon)!

Let's GO!

Week Four and a Running Expo

A few years ago, I was in the DC area for work and went to visit some friends who had moved to Annapolis.  We met in Baltimore, at the Ravens' stadium, where Mindy wanted to attend a running expo before we went to dinner.  I remember thinking, quite clearly, "what in the WORLD do they need an entire EXPO for?? It's running!  You just run!"

5 years later, here I am, attending a running expo of my own.  This one was much smaller, and much less vendor-focused.  This really was my very own expo, as the keynote speakers were Furman professors, the event planner was a Furman alum, and the trainer that very recently kicked my butt was there to talk about the Y's running programs.

When I walked into the room, though, my heart fell into my stomach.  There, in the front of the room, was not only Dr. Pierce, whom I was expecting (his name was on every flier), but Scott Murr, my former boss at the gym at Furman and Health & Exercise Science professor.  Scott was not just any HES professor - he was the HES professor in whose class I was enrolled in Spring of 2002, or The Semester of the Broken Back.  In order to get a good grade in that class, I had to work out every day.  If you did not work out, you did not get credit. This was before anyone knew that my spine was actually fractured.  All I knew that was that I was in a tremendous amount of pain, and my professor didn't seem to care.  He insisted that I work out, and not being terribly brave at the time, I listened and continued to do damage to the area surrounding the break.

I'm not mad at Scott - it was, of course, my choice to continue exercising.  It was just such a shock to my system to see him, a person who is so wrapped up in the narrative I've told myself countless times, standing in the place I'm using as the setting for my new story.

I knew he wouldn't recognize me, and after a few minutes of discomfort upon hearing his (grating) voice again, I was able to relax and take it all in.  Even though their presentation was geared toward long distance endurance runners (half marathon+), I learned a lot about cross-training, quality runs, and running economy.

I had a great time at the rest of the expo (which was more like a workshop than an expo), and in true Sarah Brown style, made all sorts of connections and might even be starting a running group for slow folks like me.  I learned some pretty awesome stuff from a sports nutritionist, such as the fact that if you are not properly hydrated during a run (or any other exercise), your body cannot use fat stores as energy.  !!!

Tomorrow is Week 4, Day 3, meaning I've officially passed the halfway point in my Couch to 5k training.  Day 1 was really, really hard, and I genuinely thought I wasn't going to make it.  Day 2 was hard, but I pushed through and it went pretty well.  Is this starting to sound familiar?  Each week, I think I won't be able to make the adjustment to the longer runs, and by the end of the week, I'm totally pumped that I did it but am intimidated by the following week's runs.  Ah, if only I would just believe in myself!

Seriously, though, the training is really picking up. The jumps in interval length are significant, and I'm really having to push it.  Tomorrow is day 3, and I am either going to the cross-country course on Monroe Rd. or the track at Myers Park High School - haven't decided yet.  The course is a dirt/gravel path with clearly marked distances, which I think would be less mundane than a track, but a track is just so nice and measurable.

I'm in the market for a running buddy, so if you know someone who is willing to put up with my complete inability to talk while running and embarrassing sweat situation, I'd be delighted to have someone join me.

Week Three COMPLETE!

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit.  I hope that's true, because I just finished Week 3, Day 3 of my training!

After not getting enough rest on Friday and not exactly making the best dining choices (but Cantina is always worth it), Saturday's run was a wash, so I aimed for a successful Sunday.  Apparently I didn't get enough rest on Saturday, either, and the pimiento cheese sandwich, fried pickles, and a pint at the Penguin surely didn't help. Today was the hardest run yet.

Thanks to this nice warm front, I was finally able to take my training out of doors. I've been looking forward to this for a while, but have also held great trepidation as to how I'd actually fare when the running became actual running.  If you remember, the last time I ran off-treadmill was a complete disaster thanks to the tiny sloped track at the Y.  Those were only 60 second running intervals, and my latest intervals, while only a terribly unimpressive 3 minutes each, are significantly more challenging.

I won't bore you with the minute-by-minute, but that's exactly how this run felt.  Minute by minute, second by second, willing myself to keep going.  I really want to blame it on the unhealthy weekend, because I don't want my running experience to be like this.  I want to feel challenged, of course, but I don't want to struggle.  I  enjoyed being outside - the fresh air and change of perspective was refreshing - but without the distraction of the TV and the other people doing stuff around the gym, it was just me and the road.

The reason I probably struggle with this is probably the reason I struggle with insomnia: I cannot turn my brain off.  If I could somehow just run and be completely physical for that half hour, I think I could be a good runner.  For now, though, it's millions of microthoughts, all working against me.  I bet I could talk to some runners, though, and see how they deal with clearing their heads.  I want the exercise to be brain-clearing, not brain-clogging.

Three weeks down, six to go.  Week four is going to be tough, but I know I can do it.  Let's go!

Fierce

My legs are like JELLY.  I can hardly move.  My trainer kicked my butt despite my polite request for my butt to be kickproof.  Lunges, reverse lunges, all sorts of step-ups and other leg-shaking-inducing exercises later, my lower half is in dire straits.  Do you want to know what I did at 7:00 this morning?  WEEK 3, DAY 2, that's what!  Heck yes!  I did it.  I could've "waited until the soreness eased up," but I didn't.  I DID IT.

Here is me this morning, psyching myself out to go out into the 20 degrees (ok, so it was only 20 degrees until I got to the gym) and push through my training:

Fierce.  Yes.  In September I was a bumbling mess, in October I had mono, in November I joined the Y, in December I decided to run a 5k, and in January, I said, NO EXCUSES.  The girl in this photo is not a natural. The girl in this photo is a hard worker. So here's to taking it one day at a time and recognizing my own reflection for the first time in a long time.

Waiting in line for a treadmill is not nearly as fun as it sounds...

Would you like to know what the Dowd YMCA is like on a Monday in January at 5:30 p.m.?  Here, have a look:

I've posted before about why I work out in the morning instead of the evenings, but I had a pretty major snafu this morning involving Roy and the alarm, causing me to rush out the door rather than head to the gym.

Needless to say, it was after work that I hit the Dowd.  I've had to wait for a treadmill before, but never more than a minute or two.  Today, however, was different.  I didn't realize just how awkward this can be until I was committed to the wait.  See, that's the thing.  The cardio machines are spread ALL OVER the Y, so it's not like there's one organized queue for the machines.  No, there are as many as 5 distinct areas for treadmills alone (that I can think of right off).  As I found today, you really have to commit to a waiting spot, or the process can take, well, forever.

Let's say you head into the first cardio theater and are dismayed by the crowd (and smell, to be honest - this one room has a particularly intense odor), so you head to area #2.  When you get to area #2, which is inevitably full, you have to make a choice.  Do I stay here and wait with this one other person who is waiting, or do I go back to the stinky line? Or do I move on upstairs and give up this possibly short line?  I mean, I have no idea how long the wait will be upstairs...could it be shorter?  Yeah, it's probably shorter.  I'll just pop up there and see...Dang.  Everything's full up here, too.  I can't tell if there's a line, though, and honestly, these machines don't even have TVs and are therefore clearly inferior, so I'll just go back downstairs and wait in line #2.  I bound down the stairs, thinking maybe there's not even a line anymore, and BAM, original line of just one girl is now three.  DANG IT!  DANG IT ALL!  I start to head back upstairs, or down to the women's area, or over to the other side of this room, when I realize that it's all futile.  I'm just going to have to wait.

I decided to make the best of my waiting and recruit the next lady in line to teach an apprenticeship, which she actually agreed to do.  I mean, I have no idea if she'll actually call or sign up online (I didn't have my phone or a pen or anything), but if it works out, I guess all of this awkwardness was worth it.  Thing 1 and Thing 2 got on their treadmills pretty quickly, but then there was me, just waiting.  Being first in line is the worst.  Everyone who comes up asks you if you are waiting, and you have to sort of apologetically admit that you are, which means that their wait is just that much longer.  The only thing you can do is commiserate and comment on the one girl who's been on the treadmill for 45 minutes, when everyone knows the limit is 30 during peak times.

The worst part is that the treadmills, in this case, are facing toward the wall, and you have to wait behind the people. This means that you cannot help looking at each person's bum.  I mean, there they are, all in a row.  Bum bum bum bum bum, all lined up and running and doing bummy things.  You don't want to look, because, well, then you'd be looking at a bunch of bums, but they are just THERE!  A good ten minutes of pretending I wasn't watching old man bum and weird lady bum and super running girl bum later, I finally got a treadmill.

It was exactly at this moment that I realized that my bum was now part of the show.

It was also at this moment that I realized that I'd worn the illest-fitting pants and top combo possible.  I spent the next 30 minutes doing my intervals (more on these in a sec) and constantly adjusting my clothes.  I'm sure if I hadn't just spent the last 15 minutes starting at other people's body parts I would've just ignored the top creeping up and the bottoms creeping down, but I became obsessed.  So this, then was how I spent Week 3, Day 1.

The run itself was decent.  The new 3 minute running intervals were certainly a challenge, especially the last one, but I can't help but wonder if it was because I did nothing but make sure my undies or love handles weren't putting on a show for the new queue.  I ran without my back brace again, which was a little unstable, but overall I'm doing quite well.  More random discomfort in the foot department, but I really think this will be more manageable when I'm on real terrain.  It looks like it's warming up all week, so hopefully by the weekend I'll be doing the real thing!

I learn a new lesson every day that I train, and today's was to double check the alarm.  If you run in the morning, it's done, and your day will doubtless be better for it.  If you try to cram it in in the evening, and you're unfortunate enough to work out at the coolest gym in town, it's waiting and then bum!

What should I wear when I'm running outside?

Running World has answered the question:

What Should I Wear?

You just enter your weather conditions, and they give you nice suggestions on what to wear.  For those of us who occasionally like to be told what to do, this is a nice little tool.

Week Two COMPLETE!

Hello, world!  My name is Sarah, and I just finished week two of my training for a 5k.

I am SO EXCITED!  I know that if I made it this far, each week's goal is just another small step toward running my 3.1 miles.  Even when I was at my fittest, running 3 miles was still a huge accomplishment, so now that it's getting closer and closer to being within grasp, I am very eager to keep going.

My friend Craig is doing the Gateway to 10k, a step up from my Couch to 5k, and he is really rocking it.  He has faced a lot of the same challenges I have, so I wanted to give him a public shout out for recently running over 4 miles on a 24 degree morning!  As always, he's encouraging me to take it slow, but it's hard when you see such great results from someone who started in a similar vein as I did.

I am in the biggest financial bind I've experienced in a looooooong time, so it's killing me not to be able to go buy the stuff I want to buy to run outside.  I just need a headband for my ears and some gloves (though I'm considering using some mismatched socks as mittens), and preferably something long-sleeved and synthetic (all of my good stuff is sleeveless or short-sleeved) to layer with, but my last few bucks are going toward half a tank of gas.  You'd think, for all the years I've been stocking up on workout clothes, I'd have bought a few of these things, but I've always been a gym-goer, and until now, it hasn't required any special kit.  I don't think it's something I"d want to pick up at a thrift store, though creating an exercise-themed thrift store is not a bad idea.

The best news of all, though, is that I've lost 8 pounds.  I don't really weight myself, ever, but I had a follow-up doctor's appointment on Friday, and they weighed me.  I'd been on the day before Thanksgiving, too, and I've lost 8 pounds since then.  This is very, very positive.  Due to years of stress and insomnia, my body is very resistant to weight loss, and I think the shock of a different kind of training has really kick-started it.  Additionally, it's hard to justify a lot of indulgences when you know you're never more than 2 days away from a new challenge!

Two weeks down, seven to go.

Week Two, Day Two: Holy Cow, This is Different at 7am

Wowsers, what a different experience my interval training was yesterday morning!  My Couch 2 5k training so far has happened completely at my leisure, usually in the evenings, and with perfectly managed hydration and caloric intake.  Running out the door at 6:30 a.m. with an apple and a bottle of water and an obnoxiously oversized gym bag (let's just say I adhere to the Boy Scouts' motto when it comes to getting ready for work at the gym) was an ENTIRELY different story.

Yet again, I'd pushed my workout to the very last minute - no time for lallygagging - and it was straight to the treadmill for me.  I was definitely NOT going to let technology confusion mess up my timing for this run, so I'd already tested my podcast with and without headphones several times.  I hopped on, got started right away, and by the second running interval (of 6), I was feeling every single step!  I was out of breath, thirsty (left my water in the car - dang!), and feeling all around out of shape.  I made it through (hooray!), but I was having a much harder time pushing myself to go faster than on other days.  


The most embarrassing part about this was the incredibly judgy looks from everyone all morning at the Y.  I even heard this old lady say, "look at all of these PEOPLE!  It'll be back to normal in a few weeks."  She was, of course, mentioning the January gym phenomenon of which we are all painfully aware.  I'm sure my huffing and puffing on the treadmill made me look like one of those new-years-resolutioners, but HEY!  I've been doing this for TWO WEEKS!  oh. right.  I guess I normally don't care what the gym people think about me (obviously, or I'd be making some very different wardrobe choices), but being seen as a fair weather worker-outer really seemed to get a rise out of me.  I guess it's a soft spot because there are a LOT of things that I've started in my life and never finished.


I think that's why this is such a good goal for me.  A goal with a tangible finish (a 5k race) is much more attainable than "get in shape" or "lose weight."  When there's no end in sight, it's easy to give up.  I teach this to my kids all the time (and to a lot of adults, as well), but I don't seem to put it into practice myself very often.


The lesson here is twofold, then.  First, I have to eat more than an apple if I want to have a productive workout, and second, I need keep my eyes on the goal and off of the haters.  BYE HATERS!

As soon as I get paid on the 15th, I'll be registering for the Valentine's Day run here in Charlotte.  Who's with me?  Let's go!

Hello anxiety, my old friend...

I go back to work in the morning after being off since December 18th.  Honestly, I'm a bit nervous.  I'm not nervous about the work part - I'm actually quite confident that this is going to be a great semester.  I'm nervous about keeping this mindset that I've built over such an awesome break.

I need to set a schedule for training that I adhere to no matter what, and I haven't sat down and done that on the calendar yet.  I've attempted to do so, but I get so anxious - a whole semester's worth of calendar is kind of overwhelming, especially considering at the end of it there lies a great big question mark - it's tough to nail down a schedule.  I want to see certain days as training days.  My friend Craig does this with his running group, and I really wish I had a group to run with now.

I'm thinking about proposing to my organization, state-wide, the idea of us running in a 5k together, as a team.  A lot of folks are already runners, and the ones who aren't - they could start the Couch 2 5k program!  I could find a race for a cause that appeals to us as a group.......such as the UNCF 5k for Education at the end of Feb!  Everyone will be in town for CIAA anyway - why not add a run to the mix?

Ok, just writing about my anxiety (instead of letting it stew in my head) has made me feel a little better, and now I think I can go to bed.  It's up at 6 to go to the gym for Week Two, Day Two!  I'm excited...let's go!

Week 2, Day 1...quick post from the waiting room

I got a little taste today of what's to come...fitting my training into a busy schedule. I don't actually go back to work until Wednesday, but today is certainly a full day. This morning I had to supervise Denise's movers while she was at the passport office, which ended up taking much longer than expected. I hadn't eaten anything all day, so I zoomed home and scarfed a Clif bar and ran out the door to the Y.

I felt like I was really rushing too much, since it was already 2 and I had to be at the dentist at 3, but I really didn't want to miss today.  I was still deciding whether or not I was going to just walk on the treadmill or do w2d1 (during my warmup) when Roy wanted to be uncooperative and not want to provide me with the podcast I needed.  I ended up warming up for ten minutes before I decided to go all in and just go for it. 

Week two is 90 seconds running, two minutes walking.  I decided to just use the timer on the treadmill like a regular person instead of fancy apps on Roy, and just watch the food network (ironic, I know) on my fancy treadmill.  This was an excellent plan until a out 15 minutes in when I realized I'd been running for 90 seconds and walking for the same. This is certainly not a problem, as it means I was running more and recovering less, but it was off script! I have really been trying hard to stick to the plan since it has worked for so many people. The last running interval brought a few tinges of a familiar pain, a sobering reminder not to overdo it!

Now I'm sitting in the waiting room at the dentist, where my appointment is already 30 min overdue.  Roy is cooperating now, of course.  :)

Tonight is Denise's leaving-do, so I have to continue the rushing once I leave here, except with more numbness. I have to get all fancy since it will be all make-up artists and me...right.

Week One, Day Three: That's more like it!

Ahh, see, now THAT'S what a nice interval walk-run is supposed to feel like.  Challenging, but not overwhelming.  Exhilerating, but not in the "I'm being robbed at gunpoint" kind of way.

Week one is complete, and I feel great.  My back did very well this time - I did the first half with a nice snug back brace on, and it seemed to keep me in line nicely.  I noticed something interesting - my muscles were fatiguing a lot more quickly on my "brisk walk" than on my runs, and I have a sneaking suspicion this has everything to do with my posture.  Since I haven't run since the injury, I haven't developed bad running posture the way I've developed bad walking posture.  When I'm walking, all of my weight goes forward on the balls of my feet, wearing out my calves and making my feet hurt. When I am running (so far, at least), I'm mostly landing on my heels.  While this (running) of course gives me a harder cardio workout, my muscles barely feel a thing.  This bodes well for future runs!

I'm definitely anxious to get off of the treadmill and onto the streets, but that will require this formula:

1. It not being ridiculously freezing outside
2. Me getting my rear in gear and getting my training done in the morning

I wish my running buddies were here with me - Allie and Craig, you're with me in spirit!  Let's go!

Week One, Day Three: Going for it

It's back to the treadmill today.  No more crazy track, and it's much too cold to run outside without proper gear.  Just found out I have to get a crown on a cracked molar, so any extra money that could be spent on things like running tights, headbands, and gloves will now be going toward the encasement of my tooth.  boo.

Big shout out to Craig for reminding me how little I'll be running if I completely do my back in.

Still on Robert Ullrey's podcasts for running, Couch 2 5k, week 1.